I'm a "recovering lawyer" and every once in a while, my writing gives me away. You'll find lots of funny "contracts" here. Husband/wife contracts, parent/children contracts, and other legal agreements related to travel, dentists, music, dating, holidays, and other aspects of daily life. You'll also find tales of parody lawsuits, tax filing humor, legal limericks, a guide to privacy policies, and ... well ... see for yourself. Enjoy!
Cautionary Verse "Identity theft is quite scary,
Causing problems horrific. Be wary! ..."
If I Were A Judge (Limerick)
"Your argument doesn’t make sense.
It’s absurd and illogical. Hence, ..."
Temper, Temper (Limerick and Haiku)
"A felonious fellow named Mort
Went to jail cuz his temper was short. ..."
Pity The Poor Lawyer (Limerick)
"“Your billable hours are low,”
Said the partner. “They simply must grow..."
That's What The Law's About (to be sung to "The Hokey Pokey")
"You have to dot those i's.
You've got to cross those t's.
You have to seem so wise.
You must justify those fees.
And if you're smart and lucky
You will turn your case around.
That's what the law's about..."
Weeding Out Crazy Lawsuits ("As a result of a neighbor’s lawsuit, a Swedish woman can no longer smoke in most of her garden. (And you thought the United States was a litigious country.) ..."
Shorter Michael Mukasey "Here’s how I’d sum up Attorney General nominee Mike Mukasey’s Senate Judiciary Committee testimony..."
An Arresting Affair (Limerick)
“A gal in New York was arrested
For strolling outdoors while bare-breasted. ..."
Unfair Censorship Of Plame's Fair Game "The defendants in Valerie Plame Wilson’s lawsuit against the CIA for censoring her book, Fair Game, had better hope she never gets to trial. ..."
Sparring Over Spare Time (Humorous Contract) "Do you and your spouse argue about how to spend your spare time? Togetherness can be tough to achieve when a couple's interests just don't jibe. But this contract may be just the cure for your spare time blues..."
Deal, Or No Deal? (Limerick)
"You lied in your last deposition,
Further weak’ning your flimsy position. ..."
Office Party Follies (funny contract) "There are few "fun" activities quite so vexing as the Office Christmas Party; that obligatory gathering of bosses and subordinates, cronies and rivals, back-stabbers and back-stabbees. Plus a horde of husbands and wives who spend the entire night planning their escape..."
Those Appealing Lawyers (Limerick)
"A litigant’s lawyer needs zeal
When he argues a client’s appeal. ..."
Litigation Ode (Limerick)
"'You don’t care about others. You’re callous,'
Said the plaintiff, with undisguised malice. ..."
Dental Deal (funny contract) "Does the very thought of a dentist set your teeth on edge? Is pudding too challenging to chew? This contract should help mitigate your pain."
Ode To The Bar Exam (Limerick)
"'I’m worried I won’t pass the bar,'
Cried the would-be attorney (no star). ..."
Ode To GOP Hypocrisy "When accusations first arose
V. Foley in the House.
The GOP top leadership
Was quiet as a mouse..."
Foley's Folly "There once was a Congressman Foley,
Who acted all pious and holy..."
Ode to The Segway Scooter "The maker of scooters called Segway
Has recalled them from road, walk, and hedgeway..."
Bush Isn't God. Who Knew? "The Supremes slapped George Dubya quite hard,
Saying George, you ain't Czar, King, or God..."
Ode To Kenny Boy (To be sung to the tune of "Danny Boy")
"Oh Kenny Boy, the jails, the jails are calling,
From state to state, and through the world so wide.
The money's gone, and all the chips are falling,
'Tis you, 'tis you must go and you must hide..."
Frist And Hastert Rediscover The Constitution "Frist and Hastert don't care if the Bush administration invades the privacy of ordinary citizens. Nor do they seem bothered by the Executive branch's brazen power grab, evidenced by Bush's "de facto veto" signing statements, Congressional oversight avoidance, and sundry law breaking. But just let the Justice Department mess with one of their own..."
John Roberts & Supreme Court Humor I've put all of my humor related to Judge John Roberts, the U.S. Supreme Court, and court nominee filibusters in one place.
Say Goodbye To Tom DeLay -- Song Parody (Sing to "Yesterday")
"Tom DeLay,
He's got troubles. They won't go away.
Jack's pled guilty and he'll have his say.
So say goodbye to Tom DeLay..."
It Is Hereby Resolved (funny contract) "What is it about December 31st that spurs fantasies of self-reform? Is it too much food and drink? Seasonal exuberance? Lunacy induced by crowds?"
Mad Gift Giving Guide (funny contract) "Exchanging gifts, while fun in theory, offers endless potential for aggravation: Thronging crowds, ransacked stores, confusion, indecision, cash depletion and, finally, the belated knowledge that you bought the wrong thing. And even worse, perhaps, is receiving a spousal gift that you wouldn't buy for your worst enemy. Well, maybe for your worst enemy, but only if it's on sale..."
Ode To Bob Woodward "Bob Woodward had an ax to grind
When Plamegate he critiqued.
We've finally learned that Woodward
Was the first to get that leak.
He failed to tell his audience..."
4 Sam Alito Limericks "There once was a judge named Alito,
Who's often called Judge Sam Scalito.
He's fond of state powers.
At labor he glowers..."
Harriet's Song: Bush Is The Sunshine Of Her Life (Sing to "You Are The Sunshine Of My Life")
"You are the best Prez in the land.
That’s why I always shall be loyal.
You are the smartest living man.
I just can't wait to join the Court..."
Why Bother? "Judge John Roberts' confirmation
Is a certainty, it's true.
We're powerless to stop it..."
Musical Accord (funny contract) "One afternoon your ten-year old daughter comes home from school, enthused about learning to play an instrument. Your eyeballs start to throb. Your head begins to pulsate. You ask yourself whether tin ears are passed down from parents to their children..."
Ms. Legal Person Answers Your Holiday Questions "Ms. Legal Person returns by popular demand with advice for the holiday season. "Your free help was worth every penny," wrote one satisfied reader. "Do you have malpractice insurance?" wrote ... oops, wrong letter..."
Interactive Taxes "Hello. Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer Program. Do you feel like doing your taxes today?
I see. Well, don't you think you should do them anyway? After all, it's April 14th..."
Revel With A Clause (funny contract) "Your closest friends keep badgering you to join them on a trip. You're running out of excuses and may be forced to go along. Can friendship survive seven days of constant contact? Will you loathe each other by the time you return..."
Hazardous House-Guests (funny contract) "Has your country home been converted to an inn by people you scarcely know? Can friendship withstand a weekend stay with homeowners who long to be alone..."
Two John Roberts Limericks "Though Judge Roberts is getting a hearing,
To measure his outlook and bearing,
He's determined to hide..."
Lame Duckitude Revisited "They say that George Dub's a lame duck,
That he's finally run out of luck.
But he keeps signing laws..."
Dopey Decision Explained In Verse "How dare you smoke that evil grass!
Your pain is no excuse.
The doctor who prescribed your weed,
We'll string up with a noose..."
Lynching Is Bad? Who knew? The Senate said that lynching's bad.
It took them long enough.
It's hardly a position rad,
Yet getting there was tough..."
The Immoderate Pact Song Parody (Sing to When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again)
"The 'moderates' made a voting pact.
We're screwed, we're screwed.
The 'moderates' got their power back.
We're screwed, we're screwed.
Their deal betrays our democracy..."
A Pox On Cox's Nomination "Chris Cox is Dubya's nominee
To head the SEC.
A man who boosted corp'rate rights
With fervor, zeal, and glee..."
Injudicious Limericks A pair of limericks "celebrating" Bush judicial nominees Janice Rogers Brown and Priscilla Owen.
The Don't Compromise Song (Sing to Let's Twist Again)
"Let's compromise,"
Words that make me shudder.
Yeah, "let's compromise,"
Words I've grown to fear..."
The Filibuster Song (Sing to Alouette)
"Filibuster,
Save the filibuster.
Filibuster,
Save Democracy..."
AMT Owed Ode -- Tax Poem "The AMT's a sneaky tax.
Though meant to snare the wealthy,
It burdens workers to the max. ..."
Taking A Vacation on the Contract Plan (funny contract) "Planning a vacation can often be a daunting challenge. Especially when one spouse likes to rough it and the other prefers luxuries like toilets, showers, and cable TV. So what's a couple to do? Well, they can take separate trips. Or they can negotiate and sign on the dotted line..."
Guide For The Opera Impaired Although this piece focuses on opera and music, it does have a law related section: The Uniform Opera Plot Act.
Bernie Ebbers Earns A Limerick "I knew nothing, said WorldCom Inc.'s Bernie,
So I shouldn't make a prison-bound journey..."
Alberto Gonzales Humor Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has inspired me to write four poems, so I figured he deserved his own page.
Is There A Reader In The House? "Republicans have quite a scam:
They load their bills with pork and ham,
And sneak in clauses quite unfair,
Whose merits aren't even aired..."
The Gonzales Vote In Verse "Gonzales was a test of sorts:
Can Democrats unite?
Most Senate Dems came through for us,
And fought for what was right..."
The New & Improved Alberto Gonzales "He'll obey our treaties,
We'll be torture-free,
Swears Alberto to the Senate,
So they'll make him our A.G..."
Halliburton Blows "Dick's fav'rite co
Has blown another job.
Losing stuff's their mo,
When they dare not rob..."
Ode To Alberto "Will the Dems roll over
And give Gonzales a pass?
Will anyone but Ted critique
His sordid past..."
Top Secret Debate Contract Addendum "As most people know by now, President Bush and Senator Kerry have signed on to a 32 page debate agreement. But few are aware that they also signed a secret addendum to that agreement. Fortunately, MadKane.com has an exclusive copy of that secret addendum, provided by a DC insider whom I will identify only as Debate Throat..."
The Fair & Balanced Song Parody (To be sung to the tune of "Love and Marriage")
"Fair and balanced,
Fair and balanced.
Empty slogans, rabid views, and shrill rants.
Fox calls critics liars.
O'Reilly's filled with angst and ire..."
Spying Days Are Here Again (To be sung to "Happy Days Are Here Again")
"Spying days are here again.
You aren't safe from evil men.
One might even be a real close friend.
Spying days are here again..."
John Mortimer Profile Attention Rumpole fans! At long last, I've posted the John Mortimer profile I wrote for British Heritage Magazine roughly a zillion years ago. (While this isn't a humor piece, Mortimer's one witty retired barrister and author.)
The Traitorgate Song (to be sung to "I Write The Songs" by Barry Manilow)
"The scandal started with a Niger lie
About nuke matter Saddam never did buy.
But Dubya would not let that falsehood die.
It's Traitorgate, it's Traitorgate..."
Old Dick Cheney (To be sung to the tune of "Old MacDonald Had A Farm")
"Old Dick Cheney's hiding stuff, from the GAO.
And when they sued, Dick had a cow, he hates the GAO.
With a lawsuit here and a lawsuit there,
Here a suit, there a suit,
Everywhere a lawsuit.
Old Dick Cheney's hiding stuff, from the GAO...
Pretzel Producers Allege Dubya Defamation, File Multibillion Buck Lawsuit "The National Association of Pretzel Producers ("NAPP") filed suit late yesterday against President Bush... NAPP's complaint, which seeks five billion dollars in compensatory and punitive damages for "pretzel product slander, pretzel product libel, and defamatory snack food disparagement," alleges that Bush and his codefendants "did willfully and maliciously and/or with reckless disregard for the truth, publish and disseminate false and/or untrue statements about the activities of one or more pretzels..."
If It Is Broke, Don't Fix It "I have one basic approach to repair persons. I run as fast as I can in the opposite direction. It's the only way I know to avoid paying $200 to fix something worth $1.98..."
Ashcroft's Favorite Things (To be sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things")
"Rifles and roscoes and Winch'sters and cannons,
Rich NRA guys who own lots of weapons,
Generous men to whose pockets I cling,
These are a few of my favorite things..."
401(k) Ode (Owed) (To be sung to "Toot, Toot, Tootsie, Goodbye" by Kahn, Erdman & Russo)
"Four-Oh-One-Kay, good-bye!
Keeps on dropping, oh my!
Republicans who tell me,
I shouldn't be blue, no words can tell how mad it makes me.
Four-Oh-One-Kay, oh when
Will you rise up again..."
Hapless Surfer's Guide To Privacy Policies "Do you cringe at the very sight of yet another bewildering privacy policy? I offer, as a public service, my extremely unofficial guide to privacy policies..."
On Wall Street (To be sung to "On Broadway")
"They say that things are really bad on Wall Street.
They say there's much malfeasance in the air.
But I don't want to hurt my friends.
And tough laws give my pals the bends.
Then donors drop right off and I'm nowhere..."
Fristy The Surgeon (To be sung to "Frosty The Snowman" by Nelson & Rollins)
"Fristy the surgeon
Was elected on the phone.
With a White House boost got the Leader post.
Will he throw Trent Lott a bone..."
Employee Dearest Dear Employee: Congratulations on your ___ (fill in the blank) anniversary at StaffPeopleInESpace.com ("SPIES"). We hope you have enjoyed your ___ (fill in the blank) years at SPIES as much as we have.
It's time, as you know, for your annual review, which we have decided to do this year by email. In the past, we made every effort to conduct employee reviews face to face. Frankly, however, in person interviews are very time consuming. Plus we had far too many fatalities.
Say Goodbye To Privacy (To be sung to "Say Goodbye to Hollywood" by Billy Joel)
"Bush is drivin' through a bill that strips rights,
Turns your life to an open, guided tour.
It sends your info to a Fed'ral machine.
It's a scene straight from Nineteen-Eight-Four.
Say goodbye to privacy.
Say goodbye to freedom..."
Handling Harvey "CHENEY: Good morning, Mr. President. We need to discuss the Pitt problem. If anybody asks, we're mulling over the idea of asking Harvey to resign. (Wink, wink)
DUBYA: But I like Harvey. More important -- our pals like Harvey. What's the matter with yur eye?
CHENEY: There's nothing wrong with my eye! If anybody asks, we're mulling over the idea of asking Pitt to resign. (Wink, wink)
DUBYA: I just told ya -- I'm not dumpin Harvey! Ya really should get that eye looked at..."
Suin' For The Win (To be sung to "Blowin' In The Wind" by Bob Dylan)
"How many ways can I run unopposed
And still claim that I'm being fair?
How many ways can I get every vote
And land me a Senator's chair?
How many claims can I bring to the courts
Before the election's declared?
The answer my friends is in my lawyers' hands,
The answer is in my lawyers' hands..."
Irresolution Blues (To be sung to "I'm Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself a Letter" by Ahlert/Young)
"I had to rubber stamp that Iraq resolution.
And make believe it's right to do.
The GOP is tough to beat.
I'm scared to go down in defeat.
And so I kissed George Bush's bottom.
Please don't think I'm rotten..."
Bracing For That Blind Date "Are you facing yet another blind date with fear and dread? Are you tempted to throttle anyone who cajoles you into going out with an allegedly attractive friend? Believe it or not, blind dates can actually be fun..."
Corporate Confessions "During this year's annual shareholders' meeting, Ford Motor Co. made some surprising admissions about the environmental and safety problems of SUVs. Ford's refreshing attack of corporate honesty has inspired at least one other manufacturer to make some confessions of its own..."
Ms. LegalPerson Tries To Explain Election 2000 "Ms. LegalPerson is happy to report that Tuesday's Presidential election is over and that Gore ... no ... Bush ... no ... Gore ... no ... Bush ... no.... Hmmm, better begin again in the "do over" spirit that's overtaken the U.S. media. Here goes: Ms. LegalPerson is happy to report that Tuesday is history. Tuesday's election, however, may never end..."
Electric Note "Dear Sir: I am writing this letter to thank you for the services rendered by your able employees. You will be pleased to learn that their timeliness easily outpaced that of any other workers employed by me. Indeed, they topped the record set by my plumber last month, when their scheduled 8:30 a.m. arrival occurred before noon twice in one week..."
Dear CardHolder: Frankly, We Expected Better Of You "One year ago we welcomed you to the EASY COME EASY GO ("ECEG") Credit Card Family with open pockets and the kind of unbeatable terms we could offer to..."
Scouting For Trouble "My husband Mark is a Boy Scout. Not in the literal sense, of course. Although he claims to have earned badges for everything from..."
