Welcome to the food and drink humor section of my site. I should probably start by saying that I'm a terrible cook. In fact, when I was invited to contribute a recipe to the Doctors Without Borders fundraiser blogger cookbook, I responded with this limerick:

Cook? Who? Me?
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I fear I'm a terrible cook,
And I just don't belong in this book.
I'm okay at reheating,
And decent at eating.
But my recipes all taste like gook.

But despite my culinary ineptititude, I do have some strong opinions and feelings about food and drink:

• Vintage Wisdom "Are you a Winus Ignoramus? Do wine connoisseurs make you feel insecure? I once felt the same way … until I discovered that NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING, especially when mouthing off about wine. ..."

• Ode To Cappuccino (Limerick)
  "When my hot cappuccino’s denied me,
  I am steamed. I must have it inside me. ..."

• The Five-Second What??? "I guess I must have led a very sheltered existence. Why do I say that? Because I’d never heard the phrase “five-second rule” until my husband Mark used it as an excuse to eat some treat he’d just dropped on the floor. (And yes, we’re still married.) ..."

• Multitasking Mania (Limerick and Haiku)
  "It’s risky to drive while you eat,
  Most especially pasta with meat:..."

• Caffeinated Verse (Limerick)
  “I’ve rarely been tempted by tea,
  And coffee does nothing for me. ...”

• Creature Of Habit (Limerick)
  "“Shall I tell you our specials today?”
  Asks the waiter, who knows what I’ll say: ..."

• Wine and Spirits Limerick & Haiku
  "The bartender offered cheap brandy.
  'No fine cognac?' I whined—wasn’t handy. ..."

• The Poetry Of Dating
  "The gal was enjoying her date
  Till her escort became quite irate. ..."

• Television Nightmares "Do you want to lose weight? Then I recommend that you watch Gordon Ramsay’s new Fox show Kitchen Nightmares during dinner. As the good Gordon might (and often does) say, 'Oh my God!' ..."

• Some Dishy Verse
  "We’re discussing our favorite dish,”
  Said the gal. “Please chime in if you wish. ..."

• This Doesn't Pass The Smell Test "According to this odd story, a smoking ban in British pubs has managed to make British bars smell even worse. Apparently, the acrid smell of smoke is a delight compared to all the foul odors smoke used to mask: “stale food and beer, damp, sweat and body odour, drains and - how do you put this nicely - flatulence. ..."

• Amusing Wine (Limerick)
  "When experts say wine is amusing,
  It’s a compliment. Ain’t that confusing? ..."

• Tasty Verse (Limerick)
  "There are folks who like food rather bland,
  Where all trace of flavor’s been banned. ..."

• Ode To Takeout -- Song Parody -- Sing To My Favorite Things
  "Baked meat lasagna and Indian curry.
  Sesame noodles. I'm famished! Please hurry!
  Buddha's Delight that is fit for a king.
  Takeout is one of my favorite things..."

• Wine Tasting Robots, Oh My! "Would you trust a wine tasting robot? What about a robot that thinks humans taste like bacon? ..."

• Ode To A Grudge-Holding Judge (Limerick)
  "There once was a federal judge
  Who was famous for holding a grudge. ..."

• Where's The Beef?

• Ode To Spinach
  "I’ve never been fond of fresh spinach,
  Or the cooked kind. That word makes my throat twitch..."

• Temper, Temper (Limerick and Haiku)
  "A felonious fellow named Mort
  Went to jail cuz his temper was short. ..."

• Ode To A Greedy Squirrel (Limerick)
  "A squirrel who wanted some food
  Did something I’d call rather rude: ..."

• How To Disorganize Your Life

• Ode To Starbucks (Humor column about cappuccino addiction, the Starbucks revolution, and life in Bayside, Queens, New York)

• Margarine Is Good For You. Oops -- Never Mind. "It's hard to follow the news lately without reading some scientific red alert about an everyday food. Not long ago, for instance, The Center for Science in the Public Interest announced that pastries are bad for you. All I can say is: Exactly -- that's why we eat them..."

• Hazardous House-Guests "Has your country home been converted to an inn by people you scarcely know? Can friendship withstand a weekend stay with homeowners who long to be alone..."

• Pretzel Producers Allege Dubya Defamation, File Multibillion Buck Lawsuit "The National Association of Pretzel Producers ("NAPP") filed suit late yesterday against President Bush... NAPP's complaint, which seeks five billion dollars in compensatory and punitive damages for "pretzel product slander, pretzel product libel, and defamatory snack food disparagement," alleges that Bush and his codefendants "did willfully and maliciously and/or with reckless disregard for the truth, publish and disseminate false and/or untrue statements about the activities of one or more pretzels..."

• Garbage Out, Garbage In "How would you like to own a precocious trash bin? If Ohio based NCR Corp. has its way, your next garbage can will have a higher IQ than you..."

• Bracing For That Blind Date "Are you facing yet another blind date with fear and dread? Are you tempted to throttle anyone who cajoles you into going out with an allegedly attractive friend? Believe it or not, blind dates can actually be fun..."

• Revel With A Clause (funny contract) "Your closest friends keep badgering you to join them on a trip. You're running out of excuses and may be forced to go along. Can friendship survive seven days of constant contact? Will you loathe each other by the time you return..."

• Obligatory Post-Thanksgiving Poem
  "We visited my in-laws
  And we ate too fast.
  I fiddled on their piano,
  And we talked about the past...."

(For humor organized by subject matter, I hope you'll visit my humor sections about politics, the law, media, marriage and family, holidays, technology, feminism, money, cars, education, health, pets and animals, work, travel, my home town -- New York City, and my Notables Weblog.)

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