One year ago we welcomed you to the EASY COME EASY GO ("ECEG") Credit Card Family with open pockets and the kind of unbeatable terms we could offer to only a select few. As you will recall, our unparalleled benefits included the following Preferred Customer Perks:
a) A generous rebate program;
b) Triple or nothing warranty deals;
c) Frequent flyer points for your pets; and
d) Our weekly ECEG-Picks lottery (ECEG employees and their families not eligible to participate, lottery not available where prohibited by law, ECEG-Picks temporarily inactive due to pending class action suit).
You will also recall that you received our special, one time only, introductory interest rate -- the one that drove our Chief Financial Officer to drink. You also received our personal guaranty that our rates would never exceed those of any credit company under federal investigation.
So it is with deep regret and sadness that we advise you of our disappointment with you as a customer. Yes, disappointment. For despite our unmatched terms, you have not met your end of the bargain. Not only have you failed to use your card more than 3 times during the last 12 months, but on each occasion, you paid your bill in full and on time. This is inconsistent with your prior credit history and, frankly, we expected better of you.
Your prompt payments and inadequate use of your credit card force us to take the drastic action of converting your account to Non-Preferred Customer Status. As a Non-Preferred Customer, you will be assessed a ten dollar carrying charge for each month in which you fail to use your card and a five dollar surcharge on each paid-on-time monthly bill. Additionally your Preferred Customer Perks will be eliminated, except for our rebate program which will henceforth be limited to purchases made in Venezuela.
To avoid a $50 penalty, kindly turn in your Platinum Preferred Customer Card in person within one week. At that time you will be given an ugly brown card bearing the words "NON-PREFERRED" in bold letters. (Consult the enclosure to find a Card Exchange Site conveniently located no more than 120 miles from your home.)
We are pleased to report that your Non-Preferred Status will not prevent you from purchasing an unlimited number of Easy Come Easy Go tee shirts at a bargain price of 19.95 plus tax and $5 shipping.
Moreover, if you act quickly you can still qualify for Preferred Customer reinstatement. Simply use your card at least 12 times in the next 3 months, incur credit debt in the minimum sum of $3000, and pay no more than 10 percent of the amount owed on your card each month plus interest. Yes, that's all it takes to re-qualify for Easy Come Easy Go's Preferred Customer Perks.
Thank you for doing business with EASY COME EASY GO, and HAPPY SHOPPING!